Words of Wisdom

Youth is wasted on the young.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Gender Differences: Lesson 4: Showers


Put the bucket under the faucet to collect the runoff as you warm up the hot water.

Set the shower timer for 2 mins (straight wash) or 4 mins (hairwash). Once a week allow an extra minute for shaving legs.

Turn on the extractor fan.

Enter the shower and allow approx 15 secs for luxuriating under the red hot needles of cleanliness.

Choose the appropriate product from the range of shampoos/conditioners/colourlock/facial scrub and bodywash available.

Deftly and expertly apply and remove products. Step out of shower just after the timer goes off but not before wiping off excess moisture so as not to drip too much.

Dry off, hang up towel and turn off extractor fan.

Check butt in mirror.


Blunder into bathroom. Ensure faithful cat has followed you.

Turn on shower. Fiddle excessively with taps until temp is correct. Realise you have forgotten to use the bucket and swear to remember next time.

Get into shower and wonder what that annoying digital thing on the wall is and why you feel vaguely guilty when you look at it.

Allow approximately 15 minutes for luxuriating under the red hot needles of cleanliness.

Realise you have run out of time and are meant to be leaving for work soon. Fumble through selection of containers in shower recess and choose one that may or may not be bodywash.

Consider shampooing hair but remember that you have to leave the shampoo on for 3 minutes and then there's conditioner and after all, this shower is a waste of valuable water resources.

Decide not to bother with the shampoo.


Drift off again and allow another 5 minutes for luxuriating under the red hot needles of cleanliness.

Finally turn off taps and step immediately out into the bathroom dripping as much water as possible.

Glance in mirror but realise it is completely steamed up through failure to engage extractor fan. Engage extractor fan. Start to dry off whilst waiting for mirror to clear. Give up on the wait, after all who needs to see to comb your hair?

Leave the room ensuring that the extractor fan is still running.

Throw wet towel on the bed.


Ca$h McBuck said...

I wash clothes (smalls, T's, etc) by putting a big bucket with a dash of soaker/detergent and the warmup water, mixing in the clothes, and showering over it.

But I am a male, tutto male, I rotate big buckets so as to enjoy the great shower experience whilst rinsing and wringing the clothes.

Arizaphale said...

Ca$h: You do not own 'smalls'. By definition everything you own are 'bigs'.

Brittany said...

This is SO true!

Jill said...

And then you wash clothes with the warming up water? But I almost never hand wash anything. Do you do anything else with it?

Ca$h McWash said...

How did this become about me?
Have you never traveled on the cheapside? Hair conditioner works better than fabric conditioner, and the wash water goes onto the back garden. If you have too much volume [too many "bigs"], all wash water from the machine can be put on the garden unless you are a chlorine bleacher [bah!].
This is about water, not 'Nads'.

Elisa said...

Ahhh....this would make a great book - all these installments fo "Gender Differences!"

HipMomma said...

Do we ALL check our butts in the mirror?

SSG said...

why do they leave wet towels on the bed. why?

Arizaphale said...

Don't YOU check your butt Hipmomma?

BTW: We don't wash clothes with the warming up water, that's just Ca$h, we put it on the pot plants...

Middle Sis said...

My mirror is halfway up the wall and now that my butt is halfway down my legs I can't see it anymore - probably a good thing!

Arizaphale said...

And a damn fine butt it is too.

Miss Betty Fjord said...

Laughed so much I almost wet myself - time for a shower?