Ten Years Later

I am becoming very reflective of late. 

It is ten years since I started this blog. 

This is what I looked like then.

I was recently married, full of joy, excitement, and looking toward the future.

 Ten years later  

I am still full of joy and looking toward the future. It's just that a significant part of my time is caught up in dealing with pain. My own and that of others.

There is the pain of my own aging: sciatica,  tennis elbow, cataracts.

There is the pain of watching those you love gradually exiting this life.

There is the pain of seeing your beloved child struggle with a plan for their future.
 

Ten Years Later

I am on my own again.

I am saddened by failure. I am  relieved by financial security.

I am not looking for another partner.

Ten Years Later

I love my job.

 I love the progress I have made. I know I should be able to do it better. I think I may finish my working life here.

Ten Years Later

I love love love my house

I know how much more love it still needs.

It fills me with joy every day.

Ten Years Later
I am back on stage.

So that's good.

Looking For The Laughing Place

I know I have been threatening to tell you about the 'big falling out' with Small Boy but there is so much to say on that subject and I choke on the thought of much of it. So here's another thing:

Tonight the Baby Angel bussed back into Adelaide after 10 days with Soldier Boy's family in the country town of Tocumwal. She was tired but happy and as we drove home she started to tell me all about it.
"Mum, they are such a great family. They're like the Brady Bunch. They never fight or anything!"
Suddenly she fell silent and I glanced over at her to see eyes choked with huge, fat tears.
"Don't worry mum," her voice wavered,"It's just end of holiday blues."
But I knew that wasn't really it.
They are the Brady Bunch and we are the Munsters. Actually, the Munsters are probably better adjusted than our family. It's like a knife through my heart.

Part of me feels a terrible guilt for not being able to provide her with a 'normal' family situation. It was never my intention to be a single mother for 10 years or to only have an only child, or to be a step mother to three deeply troubled young men. The other part of me shares her grief. I too miss the easy familiarity of close family and the shared life of close friends. We have never quite nailed that here.

The most ironic and gut wrenching aspect of this is that Small Boy's mother has the social life I crave. She has a group of close friends who all congregate at her house on a Friday night where all kinds of hilarity and 'goodtimes' ensue. I know this because Himself goes there. After the 'big falling out', Small Boy did not come to stay with us for a long time and as a result Himself was forced to make the effort to go over to SBM's place to connect with SB on a weekly basis.

Initially I was delighted that Himself was making the effort and, presumably, connecting with Small Boy in a possibly more meaningful way than he did here at our place. After all, he couldn't simply sit at a computer and work.....Initially it was quite nice having an evening to myself as well, I mean, I am quite capable of entertaining myself. But then the BA started to drive. And took my car to work on a Friday night. And suddenly the evil beast 'Resentment' reared its head.

After all, Himself is a self confessed hermit who operates happily in a bubble as long as he knows his 'other half' is somewhere around. He doesn't necessarily need to interact with said 'other half'. So how is it fair that Bubble Man is going regularly on a Friday night to enjoy the company of others whilst Social Girl is sitting at home watching DVDs, drinking copious quantities of 'soothe yourself' vintage and wondering where the f*** she went wrong with this picture!!!!!!

So, when the BA breaks down and expresses a longing for an integrated family and friends group (something like the mother of Small Boy has) my heart breaks too.

And deep down  know I have the capacity to develop these networks and establish this social network.

I need to do it. For the BA and I.

The rest of them can muddle on regardless.

Let the Sunshine In

Alright. Enough with the negativity Arizaphale.

After my initial kneejerk, emotional reaction I have regrounded and am resolved to look for a way forward in everything. I am sure the lady in question did not make her decision lightly and I am sure she will cop a lot of flack, as we say here in Aus, from small minded people like me.

So let us put it behind us today and deal with the here and now.

Currently, the school is hemorrhaging enrolments as people panic and enrol elsewhere for next year. I must say this reaction bemuses me. They all cry about how much they love the school etc and the kids certainly don't want to go, so why the run? The other schools aren't going anywhere (if the truth be told they're probably sitting back and rubbing their hands!).

With the departure of the leader they had hoped would turn things around, the church is looking once more to the 'Boys School Down The Road' for a merger. But that is just today. Tomorrow may be a totally different story.

Meanwhile, we need to get on with life. Which is going to mean getting Miss Lily 'snipped' as there have been a few tomcats sniffing around!! if it's not one thing it's another :-D

At least I have an ice skating excursion on Friday!

The Seven Year Lurch

2010 is the beginning of a new 7 year cycle for me. Some bohemian friend introduced me to this idea when I was 21 and had just suffered the first major disappointment of my short life.
Life goes in 7 year cycles she said.
This year I am 49 and starting another cycle.

What happened when I was 7?
We travelled to the UK and US and Martin Luther King was assassinated. With the international travel I encountered difficulties in education which I had never experienced before. I discovered what it was to be truly 'other'. Was I English, Australian or American? Wherever I was I seemed to have just come from somewhere else.

What happened when I was 14?
I can't remember a specific event but I don't' think it was good. Before 14 I had great Reports. After 14 I got 'could try harder' and 'has not reached her full potential'. At 14 I think I started going off the rails.

21
Wow.
Now there was a big change.
At 21 my family had left the country. I was living in a different city, working in theater and thinking that was where my future lay. I had a really serious boyfriend. The world was my oyster.

28
At 28 I had finally chosen my real career and a few months after my birthday I was appointed to my first teaching post. My life was irrevocably changing. I met the Baby Angel's father.

35
In my 35th year my daughter was born. I had moved to the UK and my education focus had shifted to special ed. I had reconnected with my family. I was discovering myself.

42
A few weeks after my 42nd birthday, I picked up my life and my daughter and returned to Australia. A little further down the track I met my husband and we became a family. With all that entails.

49
Here I am.
The last 5 years have been rough. There has been a constant underlying buzz of anxiety and tension related to finances and blended families. My child bearing years are behind me. My experience of secondary education has left me exhausted.
But My daughter is at my old school. I have a new job. My husband has just inherited some money which, when we get it, could take off some of the financial pressure we have been under constantly for the last 5 years.

BUT:

my old school, a place I always thought I may return to professionally someday, is fighting for its very existence.

I feel as if someone has died.

I wonder what the next 7 years will bring?

Sssshhhhhh. I Am Meant To Be......(pick something)

Augh. This blog posting gig is suffering badly this year. I am trying a little thing called 'time management', an experiment which is mostly failing due to facebook, but that is the main reason for my absence.

This year at school I am teaching Year 7 Maths, a newy, as well as Year 9 and 10 Maths and Year 11 Numeracy for Work and the Community. Year 8 Maths is also lurking in the wings but should be a swap for Year 11 in Semester 2 so I won't worry about it yet.

As always, something new lands on my plate every year and nothing is a simple case of 'trotting out last year's course'. I've never taught Year 7 Maths; in NSW where I trained as a primary teacher, we only went to Year 6. The Year 9s are not too bad although they are significantly worse than last year's bunch so everything is having to be slowed down and repeated; the Year 10s are an Applied class rather than a General (like last year) and Year 11 is a completely new course which we are running in order to get some of our worst babies through the new SACE (SA Certificate of Education) requirements of 'at least a C in maths'.

Don't start me on the SACE. It is basically an attendance certificate. A method of keeping kids out of the dole queue :-(.

The week away at Year 10 camp, 3 weeks ago, set me behind the 8 ball I'm afraid and I am still catching up with myself. Add to that; the BA's new school and new focus on schoolwork; Kidszone at church and an invitation from a network leader to join a new State Kid's Ministry vision group; sailing; my mum and dad trying to sell their holiday house here in Aus and the rest of regular, lifely things and you will see why my Time Management needs work.

But news! The Baby Angel has a JOB!!!!!! She has become the latest slave in the McDonald's chain-gang and spent an hour on her laptop last night, undertaking an online training package. With quizzes. Who knew?

Other BA news. School is going well. She is in the musical (Oliver), has joined the volleyball team (woeful but fun) and has been selected to swim for the school in the local interschool carnivals. The first one is tonight although I don't think she's going to do too well as she is full of cold and I can hear her coughing from the bathroom as I type. She played drums at church again last Sunday and is still enjoying her lessons although doesn't get enough opportunities for practice. (I still won't have a kit in the house.) Oh and her netball team are in the semi-finals this weekend. Hmm.....do you think she is taking after me in doing too much?

Himself is excited by the prospect of a new crew and frantically busy with work. After our wonderfully bonding sailing experiences I am resigned to once more passing him in the corridor as I wake and he goes to bed. I am trying a new regime which includes going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 5am to do school work. Unfortunately blogging got in the way this morning.

No 2 Son continues to vague his way through life. Conversation at the dinner table last night
Me: So, you did some washing I notice. Didn't you have to go to TAFE today?
Him: mumble mumble mumble, that lecture in the city.
Me: errr.....so did you go to the lecture in the city or not?
Him: I tried.
He did not elaborate and frankly, I was too confused to pursue the matter any further.
On the weekend he came upstairs from his pit and asked if I had any books on 'The Northern Renaissance'. Errr, surprisingly, no! Why did he need it?
"Well, I've done a visual critique on an artwork and I've just realised I have to include references to two books as well as the internet, so I just need a couple of titles."

Why doesn't he just google the titles? Might as well.

Must go and do WORK. It's 6.30am but it's my late start morning so I don't have to leave until 7.45am!!! Tonight at the swimming I am 'timing'. Will try to take pix of my girl........

Some Are Lucky, Some Are Not

You know when you're standing in a field and looking over the fence and going, "Gee it looks good over there in that neck of the woods. Boy I'd like to get over there. My life would be SO different if only I could get into that field."

And then someone opens the gate?

And suddenly you're not sure why you wanted to go there in the first place and your own, mud ridden, bumpy patch seems very comfortable, thank you very much, and why on earth would you want to leave?

Well that's how I'm feeling right now.

Any advice? It's job related by the way ;-)

What Happened Next.

Thank you for all your sympathetic comments regarding the Harry Potter debacle.

Here's the update:

After trying to flog the tickets to you people :-) and on facebook, I offered them to the kids at rehearsals yesterday. I had two 'nibbles' but nothing came of it so as I left school at 5pm I decided to go down to Marion, pick up the tickets and try and sell them on to someone in the queue. I had already bought the replacement tickets for the correct night (tonight: oh boy oh boy) so it was looking like it was going to be a reeeeeeeally expensive birthday present for the Small Boy!!!!

Down at Marion I queued in the 'collect tickets here' line and then, I became that person that you really hate when you are running late for a film and all you have to do is collect two tickets which you've already bought and paid for online and the person in front of you asks for a refund!

Yes, that was me. I figured since I was there I might as well explain about the whole 'thought I was booking Saturday and forgot to check before I pressed the button' thing. I showed them that I had rebooked the tickets for the next night and explained that I had spent sometime on the phone during the day trying to get through to someone to talk about the error but had been unable to get an answer. Surprisingly, incredibly, they made a quick call and agreed to give me a refund!!!!!!!!

Of course, that's where it got messy and everyone behind me was wishing they had joined a different queue. For some reason they couldn't find one of my bookings and then they told me I'd actually booked two tickets for Gold Class (what???? I'm dumb but I'm not that dumb...they don't let kids in to Gold Class) and then I had to wait to one side while they found the manager and then I saw 2 of the BA's friends in the queue and they were with boys........

Talk about stressful. I actually tried to hide from the BA's friends but they spotted me and called out to me across the queue, wondering when she was coming back from Sydney. Then I realised that one of the boys was a lad from their class at school and the other, although I didn't know him, was cheerful, polite, articulate and charming. Hmph. As if that was going to win me over.

Result? I GOT THE REFUND!!!!!!!!!! I had to forgo the $4.00 booking fee but did I look worried about that???? :-D

So all's well that ends well. We're off to see Harry tonight with both kids and Himself!(I had to do some fast talking along the 'guilt guilt, Small Boy's birthday, guilt guilt, nice family outing, guilt guilt etc) but he eventually agreed to leave his work station and come with us :-D

Only two days of holidays left but the good news is that we start the term with a two day conference so NO KIDS and I still have 'til Thursday to mark those pesky exams. Today I pick up the BA from the airport, visit our dear friend Nellie, take BA to netball and then home for a few quick loads of washing before HARRY POTTER!

Life's pretty good really.

Biting Off more Than I Can Chew: Annie The Musical

This second week of the holidays has seen the real start of rehearsals for the musical. About 40 kids and 5 teachers have been meeting in at school daily and the really hard yakka of blocking scenes, setting choreography and rehearsing the orchestra has started.

For my part, I am officially; Stage Manager, Costumes, Props and Assistant Director. Now you see where the title for this post comes in.

It started sensibly enough, I was Stage Manager and Costumes; that's what I did last time. The role of SM doesn't really start till you get into the theatre so before hand I was concentrating on costumes and just getting a basic idea of the show so I could work out the cues. This time somehow they've discovered my background in theatre and so I have been asked to block scenes and do character workshops as well. How I got landed with props I am not sure.

The thing is, I love it and would cheerfully give it my all. Unfortunately there are other areas of my life which require attention too. Marking exams for one (no I haven't done that yet :-( despite talking about it for the last week), what I'm going to teach next term for another, Kidzone at church, my family........oh and the house.

Which is why I was awake the other morning at 4am having a panic attack. But never fear, I have plans to off load some of this responsibility. If I have learned anything over the years it is how to delegate. And not a WORD out of you mother. This is one of the times I'm glad you DON'T comment very often.

FYI.....

....A Freeman, 'lfife' is a legitimate spelling of the word 'life' when used in the context of an over crowded and repetitive existence.

Best Shot Monday: Last Gasp

There haven't been many photos around here of late. I had resigned myself to, yet again, having nothing to offer for Monday but then I saw this as I went to close the blinds this evening and thought, perhaps I will get a shot for BSM after all!!

Winter is definitely the time for spectacular sunsets from our balcony and yesterday was the first day of Winter so we are 'in the zone'. Just in time for Winter I have scored myself a cold and so was off school today. I figured I could afford a Monday off as it is just history whereas all the other days have Maths classes and I don't like to miss them as we get unsettled.

I spent all day resting and reading blogs which was a relief after the lunatic weekend I spent racing from one thing to another. I need to go to bed now but I will try and post more later in the week although, looking at the diary, it promises to be another intense one. I have a course to attend and a meeting out at our other campus to try and establish some cross-campus protocols. Then BA is away on camp but will be back in time for netball practice on Weds and selling raffle tickets at The Bestie's fundraising event on Thursday night.
Phew.
Roll on Queen's Birthday Long Weekend.

Got to start writing exams and reports soon too.

I feel a relapse coming on.

For some lovely photos, click on Mother May I and check out Best Shot Monday.

Just Another ******** Wednesday

You know, I am sick of teenagers.

I am sick of "I don't want to talk about it!" And when they do want to talk I am sick of angst and difficult questions. Nobody told me about the re-occurrence of terrible twos. The stamping of tiny feet. "But I don't want to DO maths." (Yea? Welcome to my life buddy)

I am sick of hauling out 'state of the art' activities to be told this is too easy. Right before they completely fail to understand the activity.

I am sick of "I don't care", a sure fire alarm signal that they DO care, and 'You can't make me!' followed quickly by "Can I have an extension?" and "Will you spend your entire lunchtime helping me so that you don't get to pick up your hamburger from the canteen and they will have thrown it out by the time you get there?"

Of social issues that outweigh an attempt to complete assignments. Of pupils who think they've 'put themselves out' when they rule up the page and that there should therefore be no further requirement of the lesson. Of bickering and defiance and vandalism.

And that's just the Baby Angel.

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just kidding. Though she has had her moments recently. It upsets me that she may be doing to other teachers what my pupils are doing to me.

Twelve was a crap age wasn't it? I hated it when I was twelve and it doesn't seem to have got any better. Wish I was physically equipped to deal with it. Mind you, I did get to the gym Tuesday!!!

What I Did in (the last week of ) My Holidays

1. Said goodbye to the Baby Angel as she flew off to Brisbane to meet up with her Dad and Super Step Mum

2. Shop shop shopped with Mum and SmokyJo...2 x new trousers, a size bigger than usual :-( and a shirt which was designed with me in mind..happy happy happy

3.Farewell dinner with family (why are my boys such philistines?????????)

4. Waved goodbye to SmokyJo and Big J *waaaaaaaaaaaah*

5. Bike ride and a SPANKING!!!! (Small Boy, not me teehee)

6. Sorted the piles of work/paper/crap that were taking up a quarter of the study floor. They now take up one eighth of the study floor and some of the lounge.

7. Got locked in my bedroom when the door catch broke. Rescued by No 2 Son who shouldered the door in for me. (took three goes!!) Bought all new door catches as this is the second time someone has been locked in somewhere and the third catch which has broken. No 2 Son replaces 2 and gets tired. Dad is coming to do the rest today >:-( (further mental note...buy two new doors to replace the ones cracked by forcible entry)

8. Bike ride. No spanking. Charming acquiescence on all counts by Small Boy. Tired thighs....must be a good sign?

9. Rewrite a script for a website launch DVD in consultation with Himself and Tyre Man who is very concerned about whether we mention the 4WD feature on page 20 349 of the website...... bottom left.

10. Refrain from strangling Tyre Man.

11. Pour more alcohol and finish script when he isn't looking but is instead pre-occupied with looking at 4WD feature on page 20348 (bottom right) of Himself's screen and comparing it to Light Truck feature.

12. Kick out Tyre Man (happy boy) and complete voice over recording by 12.30am. Retire to bed and leave Himself to work until 2.30am assembling a rough cut of the DVD.

And For Today..........................

Shopping with my MUM (hooray!!!! we're going to the outlet centre. I've never been there before because I know I will become addicted) Evening Revels with the Bestie.

Tomorrow...................................

Lunch with an old friend and a MASSAGE followed by SCRAPBOOKING !!!! (a rare treat as it usually clashes with netball and another opportunity to drink champagne with friends)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At some point I need to try and decide what I will teach my eager little sponges this year. Wednesday next week is my first day back for staff meetings etc. Kids return on the 29th.
"I'll think about it tomorrow." (Scarlett O'Hara: Gone With The Wind)

Best (?) Shot Monday: Boys Ate Here

Well, it's hardly a 'best' shot but I didn't take many this week what with Baby Angel coming home and all......in a way it just summarises my life at the moment. Attempts to make things 'nice'; to be the poised, centred adult in the face of children and the lack of poise they bring to most situations.

Contrast, for example, our tasteful salt and pepper grinders with the plastic IKEA cup; the folky table cloth and contrasting weave mats with the faded, cheerful kidstyle cork mats in the middle; the vase of flowers from the garden (ok you can only just see them) with the plastic sauce bottle. And don't even ask me what they were doing with the torch.....who knows.....

I am trying to train Mr 9 to take his table mat to the sink and shake off the crumbs at the same time as he puts his plate in the dishwasher. *sigh* I suspect that would not have been enough in this case.

I made it to school by 7am today all kitted out and ready to exercise. There were only 2 of us there. :-( I suppose it was only the first day back.

Undeterred, we went for a walk around the block and then I did a few sit ups and other floor based exercises in my office. At least waking up at dawn and lying awake until 5.45am so I didn't miss the alarm, wasn't completely wasted.

For a glimpse at other people's photo of the week.....