The Flaming Sword in Action. Painful to Watch.

Well, I promised a Flaming Sword post but it has to be a fast one as I am procrastinating again.

Scene: morning in a campsite. A family is making its way through the site to the kiosk on the beach for a cooked breakfast 'treat'. It is cold. Everyone is wearing parkas/anoraks, beanies and the like. The youngest child, let's say a boy around ooooh 9 years old, is on a scooter wearing a T shirt.

Father suggests that youngest should go back and put on a jumper, at very least. Child demurs. He is 'not cold'. He has also been coughing in a chesty manner for the past few weeks. Father insists, explaining that boy may become unwell. Boy continues to refuse. Father, tired from a hard night putting up tents etc, loses it.

"Alright, but don't you ask me for ANY help, don't you ask me to BUY you anything, don't ask me to DO anything with you for the rest of the weekend." (Father has blown rule no1 of assertive parenting....never threaten anything you can't carry out.)

"Fine," comes the defiant and voluble reply. "I hate you anyway and I don't want any breakfast and I'm not going to eat anything the whole weekend and you can't make me and you're mean to me ......." (you get the picture. Very ugly. Child scoots off in opposite direction)

Family proceed on to the kiosk with father seething like a bear with a sore head and other family members tiptoeing on egg shells around him.

On return from the kiosk (not open for another 20 mins), wife of father spots boy scooting around at a distance, still wearing only a T shirt. Having initially not wanted to 'get involved' she makes a decision. The next time the boy comes near the camp site she calls him over. He comes reluctantly and she attempts a rational explanation for the warmer clothes. This falls not so much on deaf ears as on ragingly rampant ears. More shrieking and abuse follow. "I won't, I won't. You can't make me."

Wife takes boy by arm and informs him that he WILL be putting on the jumper because it is cold and because 'they'-the parents- are in charge and they know best. Some kicking and screaming follows as wife firmly puts jumper on squirming boy. Father now enters the fray. There is general abuse of child and child's personality. There are threats to send child home.

At this point it is difficult to tell who is riding on the crest of emotion more dangerously, father or son.

Wife explains that they will NOT be sending child home and there is not need for name calling and of course he will be allowed to have breakfast but the fact of the matter is simply that he WILL do as he's told and wear the jumper.

"You're NOT MY MOTHER."

Wife is not falling for this old chestnut and agrees that no, she is not his mother but she does love him and she does not want him to get sick. Now, as he tries to remove the offending jumper she holds him in the 'cuddle hold' from behind, pinning his arms. The issue now becomes one of 'let me go'.

"I will let you go when you are calm and I know you won't do anything silly and hurt yourself."
"This is the worst day of my life."
"Oh, no, I'm sure there's been worse...remember the time I chased you round the garage? And when I smacked your bottom cos you wouldn't put the pizza box in the bin? They were MUCH worse." (this attempt at a bit of humour to defuse the situation was a long shot)

Eventually, he calmed sufficiently to be released although he immediately stormed off and sat on the beach. Father was beside himself. He didn't understand the approach. Why did the boy always have to spoil it for everyone? He should be sent home. He is a little ****.

Wife, by now panting from the physical exertion of restraining the boy and from the emotional exertion of having made a decision to act and having to follow it through, tries to explain her 'approach' to the father.

He needs to know his boundaries. He needs to do as he's told on issues of health an safety without it turning into a case of rejection for being bad. Let me try this again...it's so hard to explain when you know intuitively.....he must do as he's told. On some issues there can be no negotiation. Threatening and berating him when he does not co-operate is rejection, emotional blackmail ie 'I only love you when you're good.' Emotional blackmail is hurtful and does not create the behaviour you wish to encourage. It also does not make him feel secure in the fact that his parents are in control.

As much as a child screams at you...'I'm in control of me!' they are not and really do not WANT to be (this becomes a much more difficult call as they get older). They need to know that you mean what you say and that you are in control.

Now, it could be argued that this was a lot of fuss about a jumper but the issues here are much greater. Yes, it was important that he wear a jumper but it was just as important that the family dynamic which had been created as a result of his refusal and his father's response was neutralised. It was important that a point was made and that it was made with love. The wife repeated over and over as she held the child that his parents loved him and that sometimes they just knew best. She negated father's unhelpful name calling by assuring the child that dad was angry but still loved him. Father fortunately picked up on this cue and stopped.

Now, I suspect the wife was worried at this point that she had gone out on a limb and that the situation could not be reined in. Father was livid, with her, as much as with the child. Child was sitting away at a distance refusing to speak to anyone. Neighbouring campsites were looking at the family with a mixture of shock and sympathy. Other siblings had gone for a long walk on the breakwater. "He spoils it for everyone," bellowed the father. "Well, life is not always fun and games you know. Sometimes parenting is damn hard work and we owe it to the kids to DO that hard work."

She glanced around now and noticed the child had gone. There must have been a momentary panic but she soon spotted him up the other end of the beach. Not too far away. Looking her way and starting to take off the jumper. As soon as he made eye contact with her he stopped and left it on. She sauntered up to the wall near to where he was now picking up items on the beach in the company of his elder siblings.

As the neighbours commiserated with her and asked if that sort of thing 'happens often', the child called out her name from the beach and held up a shell.

"Look what I found!", he grinned,"Can you put it in your pocket?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The family proceeded to collectively comb the beach, smiling and calling to each other. Within 15 minutes the child was wrapping himself around her leg for a cuddle.They didn't have anymore trouble in the time that they were there.

I'm so glad MY family's not like that.