On Saturday night I was desperate. I sat on our balcony despairing of our situation.
No2 Son is home again bringing all his angst (and consequently ours) back with him. He is negative, intense, super sensitive, manic at times and all this layered over a very real specific learning difficulty and self esteem issues. We are walking on eggshells.
The worst part about his behaviour comes when he tries to interfere with the parenting of the younger children. Few things are as irritating as a young adult telling you to 'lighten up' on your parenting or 'give them a break', when the obvious results of someone having done this in the past are glaring out at you from the speaker's own visage. So when this occured on Saturday night, after the younger children having been allowed to stay up until 11.30pm(!!!!!) watching firstly 'Back to the Future' and then half of its sequel, I was irritated. I contained this however and encouraged the kids off to bed, asking him to pause the DVD in order to get them moving. Now, I don't know whether he misunderstood me (part of the SpLD) or was just ticked off that I'd upset 'the atmosphere' of the evening (which, up until then had been good) but he switched the TV off with a flourish, retrieved his DVD from the machine in a fury and stormed off downstairs muttering something about my unreasonable-ness and having to 'just do his own thing then' >:-(!!!!!!!
Now, I realise that in the light of the bushfires which were ravaging Victoria as this little interchange took place, the whole thing seems kind of petty; but at the end of my day when The BA had been uncharacteristically Bolshie (as in Bolsheviks...revolutionary....obnoxious) resulting in no' sleep-over', property damage and an associated bill which will take her several months of chores and pocket money to erase, it was the last straw.
I was overcome with desperation. I wanted him out of my house and out of my life. His problems are too big for me; his influence on the children too damaging. But how could I ask Himself to kick out his own son on my behalf? I will not be that wicked step mother. The boy did not ask for the circumstances of his life and living arrangements to be altered in the way they were when his father and I married. I could see no way out.
I thought about praying but my anger and frustration were intensely more satisfying; they reinforced the idea that I couldn't cope any more and I would need to move out. I sat on the balcony sobbing and rocking and planning where the BA and I would go. I didn't want there to be a solution. I just wanted to run away. I toyed with going back to the UK. I told God I was not up to this stupid task he had given me.
But as despair overwhelmed me and I wallowed in my self pity, I glanced up at the sky.
Now, whether I was fanciful or delusional or had simply had one too many sav blancs with dinner, I looked up to see a massive cloud formation glaring down at me; a cloud formation with the face of The Adversary.
There were the horns, the beard and the cruel smile mocking me from above. He was massive.
"That's right," went the voice in my head,"why should you have to put up with any more of this? It's not your problem. You've done your best. No one would blame you for running away."
And right then, at that moment, I felt my resolve harden.
Oh no, no, no you B******. You get out of my head, get out of my house and leave my family alone.
And as I thought it the clouds began to shift. I raced inside for my camera because, well, this is pretty weird s*** right? None of you were going to believe me and some of you might well think I was losing the plot!And this is what I captured.
It had started to shift and change as I said but I was amazed that I could still see the face.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways and on Saturday night he sent me a really strong message.
Of course I can't handle any of this on my own. But through Him I will.
I went to bed with a strong sense of peace and a feeling that I'd had a very near miss.
And that folks is the end of the weird stuff and My Best Shot for this week.
Be sure to click over to Tracy's new site for some much more wholesome photographic fare I'm sure!