On the back of my rant about letting children grow up too quickly, my youngest sister in the UK wrote me this email. I was v interested in what she had to say and she has graciously allowed me to quote it here.
Hi sis - just writing to say that I have been reading your blog recently and enjoying it. I Enjoyed and wholeheartedly agree with the article you talked about. We are battling against the mobile phone nagging already with G (aged nearly 9), as well as the Nintendo DS which they are both desperate for and which D and I refuse to get them (even with saved up money).
I get so annoyed that I am made to feel guilty because I don't want my child glued to a small, moving box even if it is for half an hour a day as my friends reassure me they limit theirs to. The kids don't need one and I don't see any benefit to one at all; it is yet another thing to numb the brain and encourage anti social behaviour.
A few cases in point: I went to pick up S (aged 5) from a friend's place the other day, to find them both poring over (separate) Nintendo DS games! Neither acknowledged me when I came in and, more importantly, neither was communicating with the other! The scary thing was the mother seemed genuinely pleased that they were having such a nice time and "had been playing with the DS-s almost the whole time!!! I forced a smile and said "how nice" but I was really thinking "NO!!" - I want him to be playing!
The other hideous Nintendo story took place a few weeks ago when we went out for a curry with a number of other families. You can imagine my horror when 4 out of the 6 children were handed their Nintendo DS-s and promptly became engrossed in them, stifling all conversation and experience of "eating out". The worst thing was that our two suddenly became ostracised because they didn't have them!! Fortunately our friends E and M turned up at this point and were Nintendo free too. Apparently my other friend tells me this is a common occurence with this group of friends - it makes me shiver!!
Now I know my refusal to let them have these awful things might seem over the top but my main resentment is that I am made to feel so old fashioned and unreasonable by other parents. A lot of them claim to hate the things but don't have the backbone not to get them!! They are just perpetuating the problem as far as I can see.
Now that rant is over I will point you in the direction of an article I read recently (sorry to show off but I did manage to find the link!) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/02/16/faidle116.xml
I enjoyed this article and wholeheartedly agreed with it even if it is written by someone whose lifestyle obviously supports letting his kids have the freedom he suggests. It is a bit more difficult with a postage stamp sized garden on the outskirts of Leeds ! Yes, I know G does a ridiculous number of extra curricular activities (contrary to what he is advocating) but I have long suspected it is all a bit OTT. Still a lot has to do with what I said before about our environment; it would be lovely to let her have a bit more freedom but with traffic as it is and a number of attempted abductions of children recently, a 10 and 12 year old in Birmingham not to mention the 9 year old who has recently gone missing whilst walking home from school, I just don't feel comfortable with it (yet)
There we go, after saying I didn't have time to respond to your blog I've got on a roll (this subject is very close to my heart and makes me sound about 80)
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So there you are. What do others think of these Nintendo DSs? I was particularly horrified by their use as glorified babysitters at a restaurant. How do children learn to be social if they cannot observe role models due to the virtual puppies and worm cities in their faces? (Yes, I know this because the Small Boy has a DS! Fortunately he is too disorganised to keep the battery charged properly and I for one am not encouraging the pastime by monitoring this behaviour!).
I think the DS has some use as a car toy but as it also encourages motion sickness, perhaps not. There is an interactive aspect to them. Small Boy and Neighbour Down The Road have DSs that talk to each other but as their literacy skills are not equivalent, one gets fed up with the game pretty quickly and out they rush to ride their bikes again (hooray).
Particularly I am interested in the aspect of other parents pressuring you into a purchase, perhaps to justify their own capitulation?
Do others out there find other parents putting the pressure on for you to conform? How do you deal with it if they do? Is there anyone who will speak in defence of the DS? (We like a balanced viewpoint here at The Flaming Sword! :-D)
Also, how do you feel about the idea of 'over organising' your child's play? I for one like the idea of balance. I favour about a 50/50 split of freeplay and organised activities but what proportion of the freeplay should be solo and how much in the form of organised 'playdates'??
Thanks Sis for getting the thought processes operating again after a depressing week! :-D
10 comments:
This is all interesting for me to think about because Eli is now getting to the age where I should have an opinion on all of this! I will confess to using the television as a babysitter more often than I'd like (and more often than I expected to), though he's still pretty limited. I need him occupied while I shower, and at other points when I need to get things done. I find, though, that when I promise myself I won't turn it on - even when I have to be busy with cleaning etc - he typically does find something else to do, it just takes a little while.
All of this is to say that I think (1) bad habits are easy to fall into and (2) technology is a temptation for parents because it avoids conflicts and whining from children who might not feel compelled to find other ways to be entertained. I think this is absolutely true in the case of the restaurant that your sister described.
I think the idea of no technology is great; I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it!
You are not alone. I once used the video for 3 whole days to entertain the BA while a friend and I tiled the kitchen floor. Actually, not entirely true, I think I managed to fram her out on play dates for a couple of afternoons, still it was a marathon electronic baby sitting effort and she is STILL too fond of technology for my liking. But then, lately, so am I! No one is perfect here at the Flaming Sword. Far from it!
Middle boy got a PSP game thingy when he was 12 or 13. (12, I think). Santa brought it - mom & dad imposed serious limits. It is NOT ALLOWED out of the house unless it is an extremely long car ride (MidWest to Florida barely made this criteria). There are time limits too. We are quite strict with the games he is allowed to have so he is becoming somewhat bored with it.
We did not relent to peer pressure but rewarded a kid who is very physically fit, who will 96 times out of 100 choose to play outside weather permitting, is a stellar student and is a naturally well rounded/balanced person.
We faced MUCH (cannot emphasize MUCH enough) criticism for not allowing any other gaming system in our home. No time. Kids are too busy with school, musical instruments, playing outside, arguing with each other (they are not perfect.....) : )
Have heard some very rude comments about not being "with the times," being very mean, etc...you name it, we've heard it.
The flip side of that coin is that we also get amazing compliments about our kids that I think would not be as wonderful had their noses been glued to some screen most of their youth.
As for the over programming issue...do admit that my kids have had their fair share of lessons and activities. But your sis brought up my main issue with letting kids roam free like we used to - SAFETY. I am not comfortable letting my kids just roam even though I know I had many great adventures playing outside until the street lights came on or we got hungry - whichever came first. It is a different world now. Too many worries to allow that kind of freedom!
Elisa
This is a subject of debate at our house. Jeff grew up glued to video games and television the majority of the time. He agrees with me that time spent on these things should be limited, but not to the extent that I do. You know I gave in to pressure to get Grayson a Wii, because in Jeff's words "I don't want other kids making fun of him, because he doesn't know how to play a video game." He is okay with me sheltering the kids, but is terrified of them being seen as "weird".
So, he begged to play that game around the clock when we first got it. Now we've begun reading the Spiderwick Chronicles as bedtime stories and all he and Grant want to do is pretend to be the characters from the books. He hasn't so much as looked at the game in three weeks.
We also have friends (cousins in fact) that play their DS or watch movies on their portable dvds the anytime we go out to eat with them. After the first time, I started taking art supplies and small toys like matchbox cars or action figures for my boys. Every single time we get those out, the other boys drop their games and want to play with our boys instead. I think kids WANT to use their brains and interact with others. They just aren't old enough to provide themselves with that option yet.
I am sorry for the length of this response...this is a hot button for me.
Given a choice, I wouldn't let the Evil Genius watch television more than a few hours a week. I'd rather he read, color, paint, or even fling his little metal cars at the ceiling fan because cause and effect are fascinating.
My husband can't be in a room without a television. He needs it on every waking moment. Can you say "conflict"?
I have already said I won't buy our son a mobile phone. T wants him to have one. No. The child is five. I won't put a television in the child's room - T thinks we should so he can watch what he wants in there and we won't have to have a war over the clicker. No. I don't control what he watches so much as the length of time watching, but the control is needed. The boy won't have a computer in his room, either, until he's old enough to move out, pay his own lodging, and buy the computer himself. He has access to our desktop, and several programs he can log into and control all by himself (they're educational, at least), but he only has limited time with them. I'm also not buying him a car - when he's ready for one, he may purchase his own with money he's earned, and pay the insurance, too. I'm a mean old mom, I know.
I won't even permit T to install the video system in the van that he's desperate to put in. I loathe the things. The Evil Genius has books especially for the car, and a dry-erase set that lets him write, draw, and color to his heart's content. He looks out the window and sees the world pass by and comments on it. We talk, sing, listen to music, play games and even snooze (unless I am driving, and then he snoozes and I keep on). I tell him stories, we have geography lessons, and he reads some of the road signs. We travel a fair bit during the year, often for days on end in the van, and I always purchase a slew (that's more than three but less than a hundred, if you were wondering) of coloring books, Color Wonder marker sets, and games for the road. When things get dire, we resort to the Leap Pad, but that's the soother of last resort. For rest stops there are Nerf balls, bubbles, a magnifying glass, chalk, or simply running madly through the grass playing tickle tag. At meals, be they at home or on the road, there are no electronic games.
I just don't cotton to the idea of ceding our children's minds over to electronic media. They need to learn how to entertain themselves, if only for when the power goes out. They need to know how to interact with others, how to run and play, how to go out and be a part of the great World Outside. Children need to move, to breathe, to think, to scrape knees and climb trees and catch frogs and fly kites.
I admit to occasionally giving in and having a day full of television - not always educational, either - but I try not to let the boob-tube reign supreme 'round here. Sometimes it feels like a losing battle, but if my little Bird grows to be a healthy, fit, thinking adult, I will feel vindicated for the struggle.
Oh, and as I type this? Bird is watching T play a video game. Irony defined.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
This is fascinating.
My eight-year-old has a DS. She also spends entirely too much time on the computer. But when I scream at her to get off, I'm a hypocrite. Because I'm usually doing it from behind my laptop.
Parenting is hard, and electronics are the devil. A very, very, very sexy devil.
(The restaurant thing is horrifying, though. Even I draw the line there.)
Off to read the link....
WOW. Thank you so much ladies for your intelligent and thoughtful responses! There are some real gems here.
Jessie
I think kids WANT to use their brains and interact with others. They just aren't old enough to provide themselves with that option yet.
I couldn't agree more. For your average child interaction with others is the most attractive option. We send them very strong messages when we replace people with technology, like: 'no one wants to play with you' or 'I can't be bothered listening to you'.
Maggie: Hypocrisy! Thy name is Arizaphale! What single activity puts me behind in my work, makes dinner late, prevents me from interacting with my family? Blogging. On the computer...although once dragged off it I can usually carry on a reasonable conversation :-)
Kyddryn: I feel your pain. This has got to be one of the most difficult situations when one partner is so out of synch with the other. Our household tends this way and before Himself and I were married many bad habits had been established regarding X Boxes, Playstations and other technology. I like to think there has been a subtle shift since my arrival on the scene although the older boys are a lost cause. Unfortunately Himself, being male, is very happy to farm interaction out to technology as conversation and small talk are not his strengths. Hopefully I MORE than make up for this :-D
Elisa: I think other parents putting pressure on us is the MOST appalling thing! You think as parents they would understand how hard it is to stand up to the level of nagging and congratulate us instead.
"The flip side of that coin is that we also get amazing compliments about our kids that I think would not be as wonderful had their noses been glued to some screen most of their youth."
I think this is our pay off folks. Let's try and keep a balance in all things and retain the value of human interaction and conversation. Above all remember that children do not 'bring themselves up',they require opportunities to practise social skills and observe our role models. They require monitoring and guiding while they do not have the maturity to make decisions for themselves. Technology should not be given the role of childrearing.
Yesterday at Easter, my 6 year old niece wouldn't go outside to lpay with my daughter, because she was too busy whining to play with her DS. My 8 and 10 year old nieces have them too, and the 8 year old spent quite a bit of the afternoon on it. I never had any vidoe games when growing up. I don't know what made my mom change (except maybe she's grown laxy in her older age - She's raising the oldest of my nieces) her mind about all this, but I think it's kind of sad.
She says she got them so that the kids can interact with each other quietly in the car. And at swim meets, they can talk to the other girls across the room, when they otherwise wouldn't be able to play together. I'm not so sure. I guess we'll have to see what happens as mine get older...
That said - I REALLY want a Wii
kyddryn brought up a couple of things I forgot to mention because they are non-issues in our house by now but pertain to the conversation.
NO TV's in kid bedrooms! NON-NEGOTIABLE. Radios, I-Pod (in the dock because I hate how earphones shut out the world)and the cheap karoake machine are the electronic gadgets allowed.
In fact, have implemented NO TV during the school week at all! Weekends are negotiable.
NO COMPUTERS in kid bedrooms!! There is a computer in the extra bedroom/play room upstairs that has word processing and a couple of lame games on it. (that kids tire of quickly). This is for typing papers. The computer with the internet is on the main floor in full view of all. Kids need permission to access the internet. (Yes - even at 17, 15 and 12!) They have email addresses through school - but NOT at home. They still have to ask permission even if checking email.
The oldest two have cell phones but recently came off a week of NO PHONES at all and now have very limited use. MUST be turned over as soon as they enter home as the main purpose for them is communicating me and hubby - not the rest of the world. We have a land line for that (although heaven forbid any teens call that number!).
Anyway - that was my additional two cents to the technology war we all wage in our homes! It's seems far easier to control "the beast" by not allowing it rather than trying to tame/control it once it enters your home.
Elisa
Bravo Elisa you put me to shame. I too do not believe in TVs or computers in bedrooms but I am afraid the BA hops on our 'full view' machine anytime she likes. It is often a major standover job to 'get her OFF' the thing!!! (I do...)She has MSN, My Space and 2 email accounts. I feel somewhat guilty about all of this. I have recently been contemplating putting a NetNanny on which restricts internet access times. Don't know why I'm resisting. Possibly worried that I might stuff up the computer.
You definitely get my Flamin Sword Award for Assertive Parenting Elisa! On day Himself is going to make me a little logo button thingy to go with that award :-D
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