I thought this article from psychologist Kirrilee Smout was worth sharing. Her website is:
www.innovateonline.net
Why are Teens Rude?
I saw a mum, Tina (names/details changed) this week who was despairing
about the rudeness of her 15 year old daughter, Jess. Tina said Jess
was polite and friendly to her teachers, other adults and friends, but
as this ended as soon as she walked in the door at home. Tina told me
that Jess would often rudely make demands, grunt when she was asked
questions or just ignore her.
Unfortunately, this is not an unusual story. Teens are often surly and
disrespectful with parents. There are many reasons for why rudeness
happens – and I thought it might be useful to outline a few of them
below.
Social tiredness: Teens often spend many hours of
their day thinking about how they are perceived by their peers, trying
to be liked by friends, thinking about past and future conversations and
what to say, the intricacies of teen relationships, comments on
facebook, how they look to others and who is going to invite them out
next. The social thinking and planning teens have to do to survive
these days is extensive – and exhausting. Some teens don’t have much
energy left for more social interactions with their parents – and
rudeness results.
Lack of understanding: Most teens aren’t fully aware
of the impact of their rude behaviour on their parents. They don’t
really know how parents feel when they are ignored or snapped at. They
don’t fully appreciate or understand that their rudeness seems like a
rejection or a lack of caring or appreciation. Having not experienced
parenthood themselves, they are often ignorant of how much their parents
care about having a positive relationship with them, nor how much it
hurts or disappoints them.
Lack of practice in switching attention: Teen brains
are not good at changing focus or switching attention as quickly as
adult brains. When teens are in the middle of another train of thought,
or absorbed by something, they are physically less capable of quickly
changing their focus of attention onto what a parent is saying. This
often feels rude to observers.
No costs to being rude and no benefits of being polite: Some
teens live in families where they are regularly rude and never
experience any problems or costs to this rude behaviour. Mum or Dad
don’t like it, but they don’t talk about it or respond to it. At the
same time, if they do make the effort to be courteous, no-one seems to
notice. From a teen’s perspective, there is not much point exerting
effort and energy into being courteous when it really doesn’t seem to
matter either way.
Lack of skill in being polite: at times, polite
behaviour is more complex than we think. For example, as adults, we are
practised in asking questions of others, responding to their emotional
state, being aware of effort people have made for us, knowing how to
apologise without grovelling – and so on. These skills are not that
easy, and given teens have had much less practice in them than adults,
they often simply don’t know what to say or do.
So now what? It helps a lot for parents to play detective and figure
out which of these factors are impacting on a teenagers’ rudeness. Once
parents know what is contributing to the rudeness, it helps them feel
less guilty, less angry, less frustrated – and they usually have a few
more ideas about what to do in response. Options as to how to respond
include:
Ignoring the behaviour (if it’s relatively minor) and
carrying on as normal. We are all snappy with family at times, and
sometimes it’s not worth making a slip up an issue. This doesn’t mean
we are condoning how the teen has spoken, but it means we are allowing
for it being a bit harder to be polite for the teen than an adult.
Making a very short, extremely calm statement at the time about how the comment made you feel:
“I’m sure you didn’t intend it that way, but that felt quite harsh to
me”, or “When you ignore me, it feels as though you really don’t care
about what I’m saying”.
Walking away from the teen – very calmly and without showing anger – sending a message that we don’t appreciate the way they have spoken.
Calmly refuse to help them out with something after they have been rude:
For example “Sorry mate, but I’m not really in the mood to drive you to
Sally’s/help you with that essay/wash your uniform/make tea now, as I
feel quite upset about our conversation just then. Hopefully we will
have a better time tomorrow night and I’ll do it then.” Don’t yell and
talk angrily – say it matter of factly. But don’t back down either.
Asking the teenager questions about the rudeness later, when they are in a better mood:
“It seemed you were a bit grumpy earlier tonight. I know you don’t
mean to talk in a rude way to me. Is everything okay?” OR: “I noticed
that you were talking in kind of a short way yesterday, and were
forgetting to say please etc. I know I can do that sometimes when I’m
focussed on something else. Was there any reason you were talking like
that do you think?”
Being really, really specific and clear on what polite behaviour you would the teenager to work on.
It might be that we actually give them the actual words to say, for
example, “I’d really like it if you could give me a brief apology when
you forget to put your plate on the sink, like “sorry Mum” or something
like that”. OR, “It would be great if you could remember to ask me
about my day most nights, after I’ve asked about yours. It would make
me feel like you cared”
Making sure you "model" polite behaviour:it goes
without saying of course, that it is essential that we behave politely
and courteously to teens ourselves. Unless they see it in action, they
are not going to learn it.
These are several equally valid options (and these are not the only
ones) but the most important move you can make here is to stay calm and
not take it personally. Try not to yell, snap or be overly upset with
the teenager.
Rudeness in teenagers is not your fault – you are not a bad parent –
and it’s not entirely their fault either – they are not bad teens.
Helping your teen act in courteous and kind ways takes a lot of
patience, persistence and time. Don’t give up on it, but don’t feel
like it has to be accomplished tomorrow either.
Good luck!
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