So Is This Like When You Only Pray Because You're Scared?

How long have I left this blog untouched??? I was moderately surprised to see an almost complete post waiting for me when I clicked on. It took a single photo to complete and yet it has been waiting since January.

Hmm.

So what has brought me back?

Well, it's never good is it? We post the good stuff on facebook. Mind you, I also post some pretty annoying stuff on facebook. This year I can count possums, ceiling leaks, dead rats, significant hip pain and expensive dental work in the topics I have posted about on facebook. None of which drove me back to blogger. Interestingly.

So why am I back now? It's my kid of course.

Last time I expressed fear and anxiety about my bebe back in January, it was around the topic of getting a job. Well, she got one. Of course she did. She is eminently employable: attractive, articulate,  competent, intelligent.

But she's working reception in an accommodations firm.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this. Except I know my kid and I know this is not where she will ultimately be.
She is still struggling to find her direction.
She is deeply unhappy.

If all she needed to do was find a job. Shes achieved that. But hasn't brought her happiness. She has so much more to give and she desperately needs a passion.

Sadly, her erratic hours mean she cannot commit to any extra curricular activities like sport or theater. I am sure she needs to find a job which gives her more conventional hours so she can plan out other parts of her life. Either that or she needs a job which actually fulfills her need to contribute to society...

The worst part about all of this for me is that I continue to be 'irritating' and 'annoying' in my attempts to encourage and reassure her. I cannot think of one thing which I can do which would be well received.

I am not sure how to handle this and I am VERY interested in any ideas any of you may have.

Returning from O/S: Whose Life Is This Anyway?

Jetlag is not just something one experiences due to time zones. When you travel 12000 miles and insert yourself into another way of life, the coming back is messy.
Welcome, yes.
A relief, yes.
But still, messy.

I spent a day wandering around my usually familiar house, feeling out of place. I totted up jobs to be done, plants that needed attention, carelessly left items from my mad dash exit.
Where are my routines?
Where is my base level?
27 hours ago I was living in my parents' house, navigating the family shipwreck of Alzheimer's and wrapping up warm for the winter.
What am I doing here in 38C?

My response was to lie on the couch and watch multiple episodes of 'Lucifer'. And sleep. Until 1:30am when it was suddenly physically impossible to sleep!

But two days later I was muscling up to my life, my responsibilities and my joys, with the additional steroid shot of the BA's dad arriving to camp at our place for 5 days.

But let's go back......

In December I flew to the UK to spend Christmas with my family and ski with my sisters.

I knew this would be a roller coaster. My Mum's behaviour at Christmas last year had shocked us all into an understanding that her disease was progressing more rapidly than we could have imagined.
NB: (I have just realised that I posted NOTHING about our Christmas last year! I went to link and....nada!)
So I am going to deal with this post in two halves: the wonderful highlights of the trip....and the realities of my mother's illness.
Part 1: Great Things that Happened While I Was Away
* In Which I meet my dad and daughter at the airport (she left the day before me....)

( OK so it's not actually taken at the airport, but it WAS before I arrived!)

*In Which I make the ludicrous mistake of attempting to take my mother to the Winchester Christmas Markets.

But at least I bought a warm hat.

These were taken after we had called Dad to come and rescue us by picking up Mum.
    a) It was freezing cold and she had not brought a hat or gloves
    b) She is bent double with osteoporosis and can no longer walk for any length of time
    c) she was very anxious about the incredibly close park I had orchestrated with the HUGE hire
        car which I had been saddled with by mistake (and rightly so: we were a gnat's whisker from
        the supporting column and had to fold in the wing mirror to get out!)

* In Which my sister takes me on the birthday of a lifetime!
Step 1: train trip to London with Middle Sis and the BA

Step 2: Lunch at The Real Greek...including complimentary ouzo....

Step 3: Kinky Boots at the Adelphi Theatre

Christmas Tree in the lounge as we ginned up ready for the show.

I LOVED this show. There may have been tears.....

But wait! There's more! My sister had booked an AMAZING buffet Chinese dinner for the whole family (and friends as it turned out)

We then went on to karakoke (until the small hours) which, you can count yourself lucky,
 has not been recorded here !

* In Which we travel to Edinburgh, reconnect with the Very Real Jewel and do all SORTS of stuff!!!!

Silent Lights! A 'silent' performance where you were given earphones and listened to Christmas music whilst watching the light display.

Santaland. The Helter Skelter. (I've got blisters on my fingers!!!!!!)

And the Carousel. I am here to tell you NO-ONE needs to round and round for THAT long!!!!!

 But get this Christmas Tree Maze! That's a LOT of Christmas trees.....

Next the Jewel took us to dinner.

And then to the most wonderful show: Clique Noel Part Deux. Oh my oh my oh my. This was the icing on the cake. Acrobats, fire eaters, comedians, aerialists, magicians and the most, amazing vocalist and band. I was reduced to tears and couldn't stop thanking our Jewel enough.

But WAIT: there's more!!!!

The following day I got to meet up with the SSG and her husband, in a stunning rooftop restaurant looking over The Castle in Edinburgh!

 Then it was back to Southampton.

* I was delighted to have the opportunity to catch up with The BA's Godmother, in the rural pastures of Oxford.

*In which we celebrate my birthday again by going to The Messiah in the Albert Hall. Getting my mother out of the house was a feat in and of itself.

* In which we entertained my mother by encouraging her to make boxes for her grandchildren (to put $ in for Christmas...yes, I have given up on all my values)

These were not exactly as I had envisioned them....but....she did them mostly by herself! Don't know who suggested sticking Christmas cards on them !!!!!    :-(

*In which we spend a splendid Christmas Eve with the baby group.

And then it was Christmas.

Here is our ubiquitous family photo.

* In which we went ice skating with the the family...

* In which we had our second Christmas dinner, with everyone.

With NO MELT DOWNS from Mother!

*In which we visit Windsor and totally fail to get into the castle.

*In which I celebrate New Year's Eve with the best of friends and extraordinary fireworks display which I TOTALLY failed to photograph!

* In which I catch up with the delightful and dear Dr D after many years. We weep together again over the loss of our dear V and have the usual hoot we have together looking at modern art in the Saatchi gallery. Boy I miss all of these guys....

*In which my siblings and I go skiing! So much to say about this.....

The last time I was here in Corvara, I had a shocking case of bronchitis (or something), so much so that I only managed barely 2 and a half days skiing out of 6. I certainly made up for it this time, although my poor Middle Sis suffered the same fate, falling ill on the 3rd day and being confined to quarters for the rest of the trip.

This trip absolutely revived in me my love of skiing. I am determined to go again, for as long as my arthritic joints will support me!!

* In which I visit my dear friend, Danish Girl, in Windsor again...and once more totally fail to see the castle. It was closed for repairs!!!

 Never mind, we had the best time catching up, as always!

And then it was onto the plane for the horrendous 27 hour journey back to Aus. What with turbulence and bad movies, I was relieved to get into Brisbane at 6pm on a Friday night, to be picked up by an ex-pupil from Snow School days. I had not seen this young (?) man since he was about 11 years old.

I've followed him on Facebook and  kept up an entertaining correspondence. It was a complete delight to reconnect.

And now...here I am  7 months later...finally finishing this post. Why? Because facebook has taken over my life. But just recently I have had reason to desire a more private platform. And so I may start to chronicle again.

Beware. You have been warned.
:-D

Parenting Phase 3

Once upon a time the greatest worry I had was whether I picked her up or let her cry.
I wish it was as simple now.
She lacks direction. She lacks confidence. She is searching. Rejection is everywhere.
She desperately needs a break, for someone to take a chance on her; for I KNOW she will not disappoint.
But in the meantime I have to watch her pain.
Her withdrawal.
Feel her taking out her frustrations on me.
And all that's ok if it turns out in the end.
And I am sure it will.
At least I'm pretty sure.
Yes, I am sure. It's in my gut.
As surely as I knew it was better to pick her up than to leave her crying, despite what experts said.

Parenting is a shit hard gig eh?
I don't think it gets easier until you are like my mother; searching through her memories to identify the people all around her.
At least she's not wondering whether she should pick them up.